Top 5 things I wish someone would have told me about motherhood

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So today I am going to rant! I think I am entitled to rant every now and then aren’t I? It has been one of those days. My perfectly beautiful, wonderful, loving, amazing children have driven me completely up the wall bat s*&t today!

Between the screaming, crying, whining, begging, demanding, throwing of food, throwing of temper tantrums, throwing of toys, ALMOST throwing of sister I am tapped out!

In the crazy world that was my life today I’ve decided that while I do want to focus on the positivity and will still be posting my happy moments to remind me that I have a wonderful life and beautiful children, I think that in order to survive I need to make light of some of the stressful parts of motherhood. So let’s pepper the happy moments with some of the more laughable, anxiety filled times that I’m sure fill all mummies days.

I have decided that there are a few little lessons of motherhood that fellow mummies failed to mention prior to me joining their club. Yes they told me about the sleepless nights, poopy diapers, crying babies and all that jazz but they left a few things out.

Here is my list of the top 5 things that I wish someone would have warned me about so that I could have entered this wonderful land of mummies just a little bit more prepared:

5. You will never again go to the bathroom without at least one pair of eyes on you.

Ok maybe never is a little bit drastic but it actually feels like it’s been a lifetime since I”ve been able to pee without someone watching me. Even worse they are usually demanding something of me. Like they don’t yet realize how unfair it is to ask me to stop myself mid pee just so that I can pass them the toy that is literally about half a foot away from where they are currently sitting or to go get them a cookie…a cookie! Honestly child the cookie will be there in 2 minutes you can wait! Screaming fit begins and I of course try my best to hurry my pee up so that I can run downstairs with my pants around my ankles and get the GD cookie just so that the screaming will stop. On more than one occasion a child has crawled up to me while I am sitting on the toilet, pulled themselves up my leg (crying of course) and demanded that I pick them up…that has happened on more than one occasion!!! No one told me this! When I was pregnant not one mummy said to me “Oh by the way enjoy your alone time in the bathroom while you can, once that baby enters this world it will never again be the private room you once thought it was.”

4. You will repeat yourself over and over and over and over 

All the books tell you to talk to your baby, repeat words and colours and shapes. I did that with both Mr. T and Ms. J. I used to think ya I’m a little tired of repeating the same thing over and over but no big deal. Well, little did I know that once they became toddlers I was going to repeat things until the cows come home. I have to tell Mr. T. to do something on average of about 15 times before it usually gets done. We actually thought that maybe he had a hearing issue. Mr. C tested this theory by crossing the room and whispering in the quietest voice he could “Mr. T. do you want a chocolate” to which Mr. T.  came running crying out “yay I want a chocolate” stealing himself away from his beloved Shrek without a second thought. Yet when I ask him to please pick up his cup of the floor, put his cars in the car bin, come for lunch or go and wash his hands Mr. T. doesn’t even flinch. I don’t even see a slight indication cross his face that he has heard me or that he will be doing what i asked anytime in the near future. I can repeat this over and over. The odd time he may respond on the third, fourth or fifth request but I am usually required to repeat the request many more times than that to get a response. And there are many times that I have to physically take him to do what I have requested. Oh and I am aware that the “What to expect the toddler years” book says that he’s not capable of distracting himself from one thing to follow an order like that but he sure as hell followed the chocolate request no problem! So that logic is out the window if you ask me!

3.  No matter how much of a fashionista you were before children, you will have the odd day where you just look a mess

While I am not the kind of mother who likes to leave the house looking disheveled and I do try my best to make the effort to look nice as much as I can, there are days where I just can’t win the battle. I may have left the house looking fresh and clean, only to be peed on, pooped on, had some sort of red juice spilled on me, been forced to get down in dirt, or maybe am just plain sweating from running after Mr ball of energy. There also may have been days where after getting 45 minutes of sleep the only thing I can manage to pull myself into is dirty track pants and flip-flops. Now I will admit I try not to let those days happen but they do happen. AND let me tell you they happened more after the second one appeared. It’s much easier to make yourself look beautiful when you only have one, then the second pops up and it’s a whole new ball game!

2.  You will become a punching bag

Literally! From the time they are babies they grab, poke, scratch, pull your hair and just plain assault you whenever they can. Ya ya I know they explore their world by touch but honestly baby nails are a dangerous weapon. Mr. T. actually tore Mr. C’s AND my cornea but poking us in the eye! No word of a lie, he got us both, on separate occasions so dead on in the eye that he tore a chunk out of our cornea! Now that was pain my friend! Ms. J has talons! We cut them, what feels like every day but yet they still grow long enough to cause damage. She seems to like to shove her little fingers in your mouth and pull your hair! On top of that she’s got the strength of a heavy weight fighter on the attack. You would think that after the initial baby period wears off your safe? Uh Uh..think again! Toddlers, or more specifically boy toddlers love to wrestle and will jump you when you aren’t looking. Many, including mine, will also throw the odd tantrum where there is hitting, kicking, pushing, biting (one we’ve never had to deal with) and slapping involved. Sometimes at the end of a long day I literally feel like I’ve just gone 12 rounds and lost!

1. You may have been smart at once, but now you are dumb! Mummy dumb!

I was smart. I really was! Now after spending the day wiping tears and bums, taming tantrums, preventing meltdowns, watching the Wiggles, cleaning up spills, scraping god knows what off the floor for the millionth time, I think I’m actually getting dumber! Really and truly dumber. You add to the above list a lack of sleep and forget about it. I would literally forget my head if it wasn’t attached to me. I’m truly surprised that i don’t fall down more often. Lists and calendars are my saving grace otherwise I would be lost! I spend my day running around like a chicken with my head cut off and just can’t seem to form a straight thought by the time the day is done. So people please forgive me if my grammar is off, I don’t make sense, I babble or just sometimes stop mid thought. I can’t help it. My children are stealing my brains!

That is just the short list my friend. These are all things that no one told me about before I had kids and I wish I had been warned. I’m sure there are plenty others that I could add to the list but for now that’s it. Firstly because I’m exhausted after the day I’ve had and secondly I really am not sure how I even managed to get these words out, my mind is short fusing as we speak.

Please if any other mummies have any to add to the list please feel free! It can only help other mummies to be out there! let’s not lie to them. Let’s just tell them how it is!

So today I have skipped my happy thought but I do feel better letting of a little steam..now maybe I’m relaxed enough to go cuddle my sleeping beauties.

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