Every night before I go to bed I quietly sneak into each of my children’s bedrooms to check on them. Holding my breath so as not to make a sound, I peer over their beds and steal a glance at their peacefully sleeping faces. Every now and then, if I’m sure they are sleeping soundly, I lean over and inhale their scent while giving them a kiss. When they instinctively lean into my kiss and let out a sigh it makes my heart swell.
In this moment of darkness and silence I can almost feel their heartbeat. It’s in this moment that I often find myself in awe of the fact that they are mine.
They are mine.
They are the only two people in the entire world who have heard my heartbeat from the inside. Their very first movements of life fluttered inside me like delicate and unique little butterflies. I was the first person who felt them. Mine, was the first voice they ever heard. I knew them before I ever saw their beautiful little faces.
They are mine.
Though they have only been in the world a few short years, my soul feels as they I have known them forever.
I have helped them learn to eat, walk, read, ride a bike and add. In turn they have taught me about love, patience, kindness, how to let go, how to live in the moment and the list goes on.
They gave me the gift of a wonderful marriage. They opened my eyes to the unseen beauties of the man I chose as their father. Him and I coming together to build this wonderful life together is one of the greatest things we have done.
They have made my world brighter. They have made my tears more heartbreaking and my laughter more exhilarating. They have made me believe in myself in a way that I never have before.
They made me a mother.
Motherhood wrapped me in its beautiful and terrifying warmth in a hospital NICU, in the waiting room of the surgical unit, in the middle of the night darkness of a nursery and it was all because of them.
They are mine.
It was my two beautiful children who have taught me what motherhood really is. They have shown me that motherhood is not at all about being a stay at home mum or a working mum. It’s not about breastfeeding or bottle feeding. It’s not about what types of arts and crafts I do with kids or the activities I plan for them.
Motherhood is in my bones, in every thought I have, it’s in every heartbeat and every breath of my soul.
They are mine…if only for now.
Every single day since they began their journey is leading them away from me. Though I will always be the place they came from and will always be by their side, there will come a day when they won’t need me as they do now. There will come a day when they will belong to someone else. They will start their own family and someone else’s journey will begin with them.
For now they are mine and I love every messy, frustrating, perfect, beautiful moment. For these years they are mine and that makes my soul rest easy.